No, Sir
by denise1
Summary: Jack thinks about one little word after Beneath the Surface - icky het warning and angst


No, Sir

By

Denise

NO.

It's a simple word. One of the first ones we ever learn. You know how it is if you have kids, 'no' is the first thing you teach them. No, you can't stay up. No, you can't have more juice.

From the second we grow up enough to comprehend, we're taught all the things we can't do. Usually they're little things. Don't hit your sister, don't throw your food on the floor, don't use the walls for drawing, don't pick up cheerios off the ground and eat them.

Sometimes they're more important. Don't play in the street, don't drink that stuff under the sink, don't play with daddy's gun.

Other times, they break your heart. No, Jack, we're not getting back together. No, Colonel, there's nothing we can do, your son is dead. Sir.

I never thought I'd hate being called 'sir'. It was a kick the first time someone called me that. It meant that I'd accomplished something. I'd earned their respect. Sure, some of the time it was said because of the insignia I was wearing not because they liked me but…it was still said.

Over the years I'd gotten so used to hearing it that it was almost like hearing my name. Oddly enough, using sir as a gesture of respect gets so overused that it becomes automatic. 'Sir' sort of loses it's meaning.  That's how it was with Carter and me. I'd gotten so used to her calling me 'sir' that I didn't really mind it. I once told her that I don't stick to that protocol thing. If she wanted to call me Jack, it didn't bug me. Probably wasn't something she should do in front of the general, but when we're a few hundred light years from home, who's gonna tell?

She however, always stuck to 'sir'. Maybe in the back of my mind I knew why. If she'd have been a he, 'sir' wouldn't be a problem. But she was always very conscious of that invisible line between us. Maybe I didn't give a damn if she was a female, but there were others that would.

She'd developed quite the habit of keeping me in line over the years. At first it'd be little things, saying the right phrases in front of the brass, carefully reminding me of things in a way that didn't make me look like a total moron. Of course, she'd also developed the habit of doing precisely what she wanted to do and ignoring me in the process. Thank God she's not the type to do bad things with the latitude she has or I'd be in Hammond's office every other day getting reamed.

I got a funny feeling that Jacob and the asshole he used to be has a lot to do with it. Chances are she spent so much of her childhood being kept on the straight and narrow that she didn't even realize that the twisty and wide could be more fun.

Her upbringing's as much a part of her as mine is of me. It's an indelible part of who we are, and something we can't change.

It is something that we can forget though. And something we forgot. For three weeks on that damned planet we forgot every bit of who we were. O'Neill and Carter weren't in that plant, Thera and Jonah were. And Thera and Jonah didn't have a past. All they had were three weeks of scattered swiss cheese memories.

Memories that didn't keep them from doing…what they did.

They didn't mind it…hell they enjoyed it. They found a little happiness and comfort in that damned place. And despite the hard work and privations, they could have survived there. What they HAD could have survived there.

But not here. Not now. Thera and Jonah could deal with their relationship, O'Neill and Carter can't. She made that very clear.  She said no.

She didn't have to actually say that word…her meaning was clear. It was staying in the room again. What happened on that planet, was staying on that planet. How we'd behaved, what we'd done, we were going to just pretend that it didn't happen. Our own private version of 'don't ask, don't tell'.

I can understand exactly why she wanted to do it. She's got her career to think about, her life to think about. She's got more at risk here than I do. No matter how above board we've acted at work and in regards to her job, if word ever got out, her career would be forever tainted.

People that know her, know she'd never sleep her way to the top. But it's the folks that don't know her that she has to worry about. Folks that are so ready to think the worst.

That doesn't keep it from hurting though. It doesn't mean that I don't have a regret or two in the wee hours of the morning.  It doesn't mean that I can't look forward to the day when maybe 'sir' stops meaning no and changes to yes.

Fin


End file.
